


Kintsugi

by Angel Ascending (angel_in_ink)



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers for episode 174, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27101896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angel_in_ink/pseuds/Angel%20Ascending
Summary: It’s hard to be the One Who Survives.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	Kintsugi

It’s hard to be the One Who Survives.

It’s not that you _want_ to die. You don’t, of course you don’t. But you hadn’t wanted _them_ to die either, family and friends and lovers and companions. Surely you should have joined them all by now, but both death and probability seem to have given you a miss. Instead you walk away from countless graves (when there are graves, when there are memorials, when there are bodies) and feel guilt for every breath you take that they never will again.

Sometimes you dream of an empty world, with only the sound of your own voice for company. In the dream you know it’s your fault that everyone is gone, and you wake shaking, tears streaming down your face. You spend hours after every nightmare brainstorming and building and brewing so that next time you’ll be able to save them, the friends you haven’t met yet, the people you will love.

Except here you are, standing on the deck of the ship, staring at bodies in the snow, and you’ve done it again, haven’t you? Despite your mistakes and miscalculations (if you had built the cage right the first time you wouldn’t have had to go through the borealis again, wouldn’t have crashed, your fault, your fault, your fault) you are alive. Four people are not.

You feel your heart breaking as it beats in grief and sorrow for the four hearts that will never beat again. You mend the cracks with lead, hoping to someday learn how to turn them to gold.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m [angel-ascending](http://angel-ascending.tumblr.com) over on Tumblr and [angel_in_ink](http://twitter.com/angel_in_ink) over on Twitter if y’all want to stop by and say hi!


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